Mark your calendar and take note of where you are at this moment. You see, years from now you will be recalling the fateful day that you first heard of the Great Rubber Ducky Panic of 2021.
Now, being the committed writer that I am, I felt it my duty to hopefully explain the facts as I understand them so that you will be able to pass the details of this shocking revelation to your friends and family. I hope you’re sitting down.
On Wednesday, March 28th 2021, researchers in an international joint study of the Swiss Federal Institute of Technology and the University of Illinois solemnly revealed that the extremely popular bath toy known simply as the Rubber Duck “could” contain potentially pathogenic bacteria that “could” spread possibly infectious diseases which, if left untreated, “could” lead to death. A lot of “coulds” I know, but these are professionals, right?
Now, while the tap water that is used to fill the tub and float the contaminated duck was not generally considered cause for alarm, the study found that the pee-pee, sweat, and general body yuck (my terms, not theirs) found in the bath water created a breeding ground for bacteria such as Legionella and Pseudomonas Aeruginosa. Personally, their names alone scared the living hell out of me. But hold on, this is just the beginning.
Years from now people will sadly recall how in the weeks following this revelation, news media across the country begin to report on the strange maladies and sudden ailments that could only be attributed to the mysterious Rubber Ducky outbreaks.
Rabid journalists will interview frightened mothers that passionately give testimonies of long hours spent in the ER due to the mysterious symptoms brought on by the seemingly innocent yellow toys. It had to be these disease-ridden rubber ducks!
And although doctors swore that the toys were unrelated, panic seized the nation.
Sales of Rubber Duckies were halted pending a Congressional Hearing on possible dangers to the nation’s children. Toy corporations were crushed by avalanches of class action lawsuits.
Soon after, the Surgeon General of the United States issued a statement condemning the ownership of any Rubber Ducky regardless of shape, size, or color. Just to clarify,that was the toy not the people..
Following Federal action, Small Town America quickly followed suit with demonstrations decrying the rubber menace. Local leaders called for huge mass burnings of all Rubber Duckies in the communities. America was not going to be brought to its knees by Rubber Duckies!
Terror gripped the heartland. A wave of bathroom renovations swept the nation when a chain hardware store suggested that the bacteria from the Rubber Ducks was so viral that only the complete replacement of all bath fixtures could guarantee family safety!
Lawmakers passed a bill making it a crime for any adult to knowingly allow a child possession of any type of Rubber Ducky!
Citizens became so fear-struck that any unknown ailment, any curious symptom, was immediately referred to as Rubber Ducky Syndrome (RDS).
It became so insane that in a suburb of Atlanta, a masked lunatic held up a bank using only a water filled Rubber Ducky and a smile! He got away with the robbery squeaky clean! (sorry, I couldn’t help but say that)
So that’s it, a sad story but just a made up one. But if people actually reacted to that very real report the way I’ve exaggerated then we might possibly be doomed. I hope not.
But just in case anybody out there doesn’t see this for the parody on today’s sensationalist media that it is, here are two words that will ease your brain and save you from the Rubber Ducky Apocalypse of 2021:
Clorox Bleach. Works every time.
You’re welcome..
